Did You Know That I Have a Book Coming Out?

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From McSweeney’s:

Did you know that I have a book coming out? If you’ve visited any of your social media channels even once in the past month, you should know. It is very important for the world to know that I have written a book that is actually getting published so I have posted pictures of the following: me writing my book; me editing my book; me pressing send on an email to my editor; a Boomerang of me opening a box of my finished books; a video of me in Barnes & Noble finding my book; a repost of every single reader who posted a picture of themselves reading my book; every review I’ve ever gotten (with negative bits artfully cropped out); and, of course, the obligatory publication day bonanza photo that I doctored with confetti. They really should create a dedicated “I wrote a book” emoji. Need to speak to someone in Silicon Valley about that.

. . . .

Did you know that I have a book coming out? You should know because you’ve been invited to at least five different readings and six different parties celebrating my accomplishments. Wait! You’re kidding, right? Are you absolutely sure that other people don’t throw parties for themselves just for doing their jobs? That’s so strange. Are you telling me that if you finished your accounting reports on time and did all the work for which you were contractually obligated you wouldn’t have a cocktail party to celebrate? Interesting. Anyway… If you aren’t tired after working a long day at your regular-person job, it would be just the best if you’d come out and listen to me read an eight-minute passage from my book and eat sweaty cheese to toast my triumph. I wouldn’t normally ask anyone to drive to the Poughkeepsie Public Library all the way from Manhattan, but it’s really embarrassing when only five people show up so I NEED YOU THERE. I would do this for you, assuming you were a good enough writer to publish a book.

. . . .

Did you know I have a book coming out? It’s all I can talk about. Not since the birth of my children has something this momentous happened to me. Whoops, I meant to you. Because you really care. You love hearing me talk about the publishing business. You would talk about your industry, but it’s not as interesting as mine. I’m a “creative” so I can’t be bothered to remember to ask you about your life. While you are plugging away at your ho-hum career and doing laundry, I am “brainstorming.” I am “in the zone.” I am “outlining.” These are very important tasks, and I do sincerely apologize if it has made me a less than stellar friend lately. I promise after my book comes out and the massive excitement surrounding my accomplishment dies down, I’ll be more attentive. Assuming I don’t get a movie deal. Then we’re just done.

Link to the rest at McSweeney’s and thanks to Simon for the tip.

14 thoughts on “Did You Know That I Have a Book Coming Out?”

  1. I’ve gone the other direction. I’ll mention on my blog that the book is out, and I’ll send a link to a friend or two, but that’s it. It’s fun watching/reading other people enthuse, though, to a point. 🙂

  2. Amusing article. I went to Amazon to (maybe) purchase Elyssa Friedland’s book. She’s got one coming out, you know.

    Kindle edition…$12.99. Good-bye, Elyssa.


    • Going to see a movie today will probably end up costing you at least $12.99 or more. You get to see it once for a couple of hours and then it’s gone and you lose all access to it.

      • I hadn’t been to a first-run movie in quite a while due to the lack of it seeming to be worth the price. But then recently I went, only to discover the theater had done a huge upgrade. I was frankly gobsmacked at how much more spacious and comfortable the seating was. Reclining seats, for crying out loud.

        The matinee price had gone up to almost $10, but they really put in a lot of effort to make it worth that price–by making moviegoing an *experience* again. It’s not about the movie, it’s now the entire experience. At least, if you have one of these great updated theaters. The value-add of the cushy theater upgrade put “going to the movies” back on my list of things I might do (aside from the $3.50 theater we have in town). But for the non-upgraded theater? Hard pass. Theaters need to offer much more than just the movie to justify the price these days. This theater (IMO) has done that. Not all do.

        • I discovered that the theater had upgraded when I went with Sib and Sib-in-Law to see _Black Panther_. The seats were comfortable for half an hour or so. Then the problem of the deep seat vs. short legs became acute. The lack of lumbar support did not make things any better.

          • Yes, I’d imagine that the problem with having all the seats be uniform is that it isn’t going to work for everyone. I have a pretty average-sized body (IMO) and no real health issues in terms of position/comfort, so it worked for me. I didn’t actually notice the depth of the seats, since I and almost everyone else I noticed had the footrest up. Though not everyone will want that, so it is a potential issue. I’m sure they picked seating based on what would be the most comfortable for the largest percentage of people because you can’t be everything to everyone.

            If it is too deep for shorter people, I’d consider it adequate payback (meant humorously) for all those old theater seats (I mean the really old ones) where I can’t even sit with my knees in front of me at a normal angle because the seat in front of me is so close there is literally, physically not room for the full length of my femurs–which let me tell you, is all the more uncomfortable and awkward when wearing a dress as one typically does when going to events that require old, fancy theaters.

    • I did the same thing. Not my style of book, but I quite often give something a go and quite often enjoy it. I gave her full points for the amusing article and the ability to laugh at herself and to poke fun at the many pompous self-important people in her profession. But $12.99? Nice of Amazon to point out that I would be saving 50% on the Print List Price though that is of course totally irrelevant to me. Even more so (if that is possible) when Amazon is selling the hardcover at the discount price of $19.80 showing on the very same page. A real 50% discount would make the ebook $9.90. But I’m still not interested. I can get 3 or more Indies for that price if I want to try a new author.

      I also checked some libraries thanks to the excellent library extension plugin. Most showed it not available as an ebook, but there were 2 that have a single copy with 1 person waiting. But you’ve lost me too, Elyssa. I don’t even want to try your book for free. I might try 3 new Indie authors instead. Or maybe spend the money on 3 books from Indie Authors I already love.

      Good luck with your book.

    • I am always bemused by the notion that there is a correct price for any book. Surely it depends on the book, unless one considers all books to be the same. I call this “fungible fiction.” I am at a point in life where time is more of an issue than money. I would far prefer to pay thirteen bucks for a good book than two bucks for fungible fiction.

      • I’m not even that old, and I’ve already reached that point. I often wish there was some way by which I could read a book and then, after seeing how much I like it, pay what I wanted based on how much I enjoyed it. I’d be far more willing to try out new authors that way. I could see someone making a website like that–sort of a compromise between Netgalley and permafree, but where the author might actually get paid after the reader reads.

      • “I am always bemused by the notion that there is a correct price for any book.”

        Oh, but there IS a correct price for a book. It’s the price I’ll pay.

        $12.99 for an ebook ain’t it.

        However, I will admit that I refuse to pay that $12.99 because it’s been gouged into place by an some ebook hating Legacy Publisher that’s been raping writer’s for eons.

        Nice rant, huh?


  3. Please buy advertising to sell your book – the ad guys/gals need your help!

    Yes, if your book will only be at B&N(if they’re bothering to stock it) for a week or two then people need to know when it might be there, but if it’s on Amazon then they can find it anytime and it will still be there to buy.

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