It is a truth universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts looking up, another falls to pieces.

Helen Fielding

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

Terry Pratchett

To an outsider, I just seem like a list of accomplishments. To me, all there is is how often I fail.

Junot Diaz

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.

Terry Pratchett

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

Humor is what happens when we’re told the truth quicker and more directly than we’re used to.

George Saunders

It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

Noel Coward

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Groucho Marx

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

I mean being a writer is like being a psychoanalyst, but you don’t get any patients.

Al Alvarez