From Writer Unboxed:
My book group just had our Christmas dinner. It was such a good night we hardly discussed this month’s book (Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin). While we were all chatting, a man put his hand on my shoulder, leaned into me and said, ‘I don’t know what you’ve done or how you did it, but,’ he looked up at my book club colleagues, ‘Well done, buddy.’ And he finished with a hearty pat on my back.
Why did he say this?
He seemed to be impressed that I was the only man among 16 women.
I was too slow to react, trying to work out how I knew this guy. But I didn’t. He was a stranger.
One of our group was much quicker. She called out, ‘Read more books, mate!’
I joined the group about 18 months ago, when I first moved to this city. It seemed like a good way to meet people through a shared interest in books. I didn’t know they’d be all women, although I could’ve guessed. In any book club I’ve been , wherever, in the world, I’m usually the only guy.
But I wasn’t there to meet women. I was there to meet people. And maybe even make friends.
Developing trust
It can be easy to meet people (for some of us) when you move to a new place. And some of those people might even be friendly people. But it’s more difficult to make friends.
You might spend time with those first people you meet – go for dinner, have a coffee or visit some of the local sights – but to become friends with them, really friends, takes something extra.
It’s difficult to pin down what makes truly great friends. You’re likely to have shared interests, values and experiences, for example.
A love of books is a good place to start, I thought. But if you only meet once a month and not everyone has much time to hang around after the discussion, it can take a while to really get to know the people and become anything like good buddies.
Then I met someone who wanted to start a group to discuss Stoic philosophy. I knew more or less what stoicism was about after a friend – a true friend – had introduced me to Marcus Aurelius some years ago, so I joined this group too.
This also involves books, and we have readings each time on a particular topic. In our last meeting, we happened to discuss friendship. The Stoic philosopher Seneca said this about it:
Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself…’
Clearly Seneca should join a book club to have the chance to make some female friends, and he seems pretty intense too. I don’t think every friend has to be on the heart and soul level. I have a friend with whom I could leave a bag of money in small notes and know he would never touch a single one, but I can’t believe everything he tells me. But then I love fiction. I have another very good friend who will arrange to meet me tomorrow for lunch only to send an apology some time after dinner that evening. But there is no one I would trust more to look after my dog. And that’s a huge amount of trust.
Building bridges
I think Seneca is right, though, when he says you should ponder for while to see whether someone is really going to be a friend. We only need to look at literature to see how some friendships can go wrong. Donna Tartt’s The Secret History comes to mind.
But through the stoicism group, I met someone who organizes a spoken word evening. People perform their own work in a very cool café every other month. I joined the next time – as a spectator. Afterwards, I got talking to the organizer and we decided to expand the idea and start a writers group.
This is much more my thing – give feedback, do some writing exercises and generally support writers.
Our first meeting was fantastic. After so many years of working as an editor, I saw I really had something to offer the group. People were inspired, enthusiastic and motivated to write more, to take their ideas further and make their stories even better.
As an icebreaker, we wrote a 50-word biography that contained one lie.
Link to the rest at Writer Unboxed