From Nathan Bransford:
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Dan, whose query is below.
December 19, 2023
Ms. XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXX Literary AgencyDear Ms.XXX,
I hope this letter finds you well. I see that you are registered for the upcoming Thrillerfest 2024, and I would like to introduce my novel, ONCE A DETECTIVE…, and express my interest in securing your representation.
ONCE A DETECTIVE… is a work of commercial fiction in the private detective genre. In present time, Detective Dan Burnett, with 30 years of experience with the NYPD, fails his physical and chooses retirement over desk duty. At fifty-five, he’s too young to do nothing, so he becomes a private investigator and learns the ropes from a P.I. with a similar history. Divorced, his one source of true happiness is his college-aged daughter. After assisting his new partner with some ongoing cases, he lands a case of his own: a beautiful woman whose brother was murdered. After two years, the NYPD had given up on the case, so it’s now up to him to find the murderer. The suspects are Las Vegas casinos, where the brother owed a million dollars, and his second wife, who inherited millions upon his death. He doggedly works the case using his life-long skills with the help of a former colleague, the NYPD detective originally assigned to the case. Tracking a mob hitman leads him on a chase across the country, searching for the truth and ultimately finding it.
Inspired by my favorite novels by Robert Crais, Michael Connelly, Robert B. Parker, and others, I have woven a story of mystery, suspense, and romance.
I have recently retired from a life as a real estate developer and ocean sailor, and I finally have the time to pursue my longtime passion for writing and storytelling. To promote my work, I am in the process of creating an author’s web page that will link to social media.
Following is the first chapter for your review. I am happy to provide the complete 61,000-word manuscript at your request, and am also open to discussing revisions to align with your publishing vision.
Thank you for considering ONCE A DETECTIVE… I look forward to the opportunity to discuss this project with you further. Feel free to contact me by phone or e-mail to arrange a meeting or provide feedback.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXX
As with so many queries, this one could benefit from more vivid details. The plot here feels extremely standard (retired detective becomes PI and investigates murder). That’s not necessarily an issue, provided the details, style, and setting feel fresh.
. . . .
Here’s a pretty simple formula you can use to stick the landing:
[PROTAGONIST(s)] must [DO X AND/OR Y AND/OR Z] in order to [GOAL/REWARDS] / or else [CONSEQUENCES].
Not every final line needs to follow this precise formula. Maybe in some plots you want to spell out the rewards a bit more, others to clearly articulate the consequences. But if you utilize this formula, you’ll quickly give the agent a sense of what’s ultimately at stake for the protagonist as the novel heads toward the climax.
. . . .
Here’s my redline:
December 19, 2023
Ms. XXXXXXXX [This is almost assuredly an email, not a business letter]
XXXXXXXX Literary Agency
Dear Ms.XXX,
I hope this letter finds you well. I see that you are registered for the upcoming Thrillerfest 2024, and. I would like to introduce my commercial fiction novel, ONCE A DETECTIVE…, and express my interest in securing your representation.
ONCE A DETECTIVE… is a work of commercial fiction in the private detective genre. In present time, After 30 years with the NYPD, Detective Dan Burnett, with 30 years of experience with the NYPD, fails his physical and chooses retirement over desk duty. At fifty-five and divorced, with a college-aged daughter as his one true source of happiness, he’s too young to do nothing, so he becomes a private investigator and learns the ropes from a P.I. with a similar history. [Missed opportunity to portray the other P.I. more vividly] Divorced, his one source of true happiness is his college-aged daughter.
¶After assisting his new partner with some ongoing cases, he lands a case of his own: a beautiful woman whose brother was murdered two years ago [Be more vivid/specific about both the woman and the brother]. After two years, tThe NYPD hads given up on the case, so it’s now up to him to find the murderer. The suspects are Las Vegas casinos, where tThe brother owed a million dollars to Las Vegas casinos, and his second wife, who inherited millions upon his death. HeDan doggedly works the case using his life-long skills with the help of a former colleague, the NYPD detective originally assigned to the case. Tracking a mob hitman leads him on a chase across the country, searching for the truth and ultimately finding it. [Very flat final line. Consider something more like “Dan must do [X AND Y] in order to [GOAL/REWARDS] or else [CONSEQUENCES].]
ONCE A DETECTIVE… is complete at 61,000 words and will appeal to readers of Inspired by my favorite novels by Robert Crais, Michael Connelly, Robert B. Parker, and others, I have woven a story of mystery, suspense, and romance. [Consider more current comp titles]
I have recently retired from a life as a real estate developer and ocean sailor, and I finally have the time to pursue my longtime passion for writing and storytelling. To promote my work, I am in the process of creating an author’s web page that will link to social media. [This isn’t going to inspire an agent’s confidence that you are at the baseline competency for technology usage as an author]
Following is the first chapter for your review. I am happy to provide the complete 61,000 word manuscript at your request, and am also open to discussing revisions to align with your publishing vision. [Goes without saying] Thank you for considering ONCE A DETECTIVE… I look forward to the opportunity to discuss this project with you further. Feel free to contact me by phone or e-mail to arrange a meeting or provide feedback. [Goes without saying]
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXX
Link to the rest at Nathan Bransford